why tommy wants me dead so he can marry shania twain (who's single by the way)

did you know it's virtually impossible to type without the use of your thumb? i'm finding this out the hard way. i...just moments ago...cut my right thumb trying to put a picture in a frame. i don't recommend using a pair of scissors to try and do anything other than what they indended for. i just learned this. i gashed (GASHED!) my thumb open--blood, guts...everywhere. you did not know you have guts in your thumb? well, you do. take my word for it. now it's bandaged and throbbing. how's a girl supposed to work under these conditions? can you file workman's comp against yourself? for being an idiot? i called tommy and asked if i could file a claim on our homeowner's insurance and he hung up on me...saying something about being in a meeting and not having time for my nonsense. i have NO idea what he's talking about. it's not like i try and come up with ways to screw up or be bothersome. it just ends up happening. but i guess i can kinda see where he's coming from based on my recent flub-ubs.*

definition of flub-up: major fuck up

first, there was the other day when i forgot to turn off the hose and flooded the pool...and the deck...and the yard...which turned to ice when it froze that night...on which tommy nearly killed himself.

then there was the day i drove my huge car in our yard and knocked off 2 sprinkler heads.

after that i forgot to close my car door and our cat got inside and took a dump on the passenger side. (there's a story there--the cats are FURIOUS with me)

next i washed a new red sweatshirt with a load of tommy's white underwear...on hot. yikes. pink is a totally acceptable color for men's underwear, no?

and now this. oh well, at least i cut myself and not one of the other family members. he should be happy about that, right?

oh wait. i just received a text message from the big man himself. it says, TRY AND NOT BURN DOWN THE HOUSE. REMEMBER TO CALL 9-1-1 IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. PERHAPS WE LOOK INTO HIRING SOMEONE TO WATCH YOU.

ha-ha, very funny.

i'm texting back, CAN'T TALK NOW. BUSY DOING TEQUILA SHOTS WITH ETHAN WHILE CLEANING THE GUN.