So by now you've probably noticed there's really nothing I won't talk about--much to the chagrin of my family.
But I can't help it.
I share. I over share. And I'm on drugs.
The being on drugs thing is temporary, yet necessary. And probably the reason I'm able to say this...
I'm constipated.
Like. Way.
Like, I haven't *gone* since Monday.
This probably explains why I look 6 months pregnant. I'm full. I'm bloated. I'm stabby. Like for real.
And I'm starting to panic.
Why can't I go to the bathroom???
There's a breakdown in the system. Obviously.
While in the hospital I informed the nurse that I hadn't, you know, gone....So she brought in and inserted the BIGGEST suppository I've ever seen in my life...up my bum. Sidenote: I now know what prison sex is like. Dude, I'm SO not going to prison.
Anyway, after insertion was completed, I waited for the *magic* to happen.
It's been two days and I'm still waiting.
Since operation Suppository Up Me Bum, I've eaten chocolate cake, chili, a sandwich, Cheerios, and more chocolate cake.
I'm seriously about to blow.
And I can't think of anything else besides going to the bathroom. I'm obsessed. And also high on pain medication--which I'm told isn't doing anything to help the not being able to poop thing.
I called the doctor and left a message that basically said "Hi. I'm totally dying from lack of poopage. Please call me back. If I don't answer assume I exploded."
And because I'm obsessed with my current state of constipation, I'm not able to think of anything to write about except my current state of constipation.
So... don't worry about me. I'll just be over here in the corner, obsessing about not pooping.
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42 smart alecks said...:
prune juice. plums. think old people, bran, etc. NO DAIRY. unless you are lactose intolerant.. then load up... ;)
oh shauna, im sooo sorry! there is NOTHING worse!! feel better....let it out
apple juice, too.
3 kids - 3 seriously bad bouts of the same problem. Oh yeah, and then the stomach surgery - 4 bouts.
Hated.
The bitch nurse from hell made me a combo tea of tea AND ginger ale - it was g-r-o-s-s but it worked.
Oh, and rocking in a rocking chair.
and ummm...
blogging :)
IF you'da hadda male nurse that looked like George Clooney, whould that of changed anything? Just sayin'... ;o)
Wish you quick poopage? Man, never thought I'd say that to anyone. Ever.
PEARS, PEAR JUICE and KIWIs will save you!!!
I have SO BEEN THERE. At a full nine months pregnant with my first. We tried ... everything. The pain! The bloating! The small being pressed firmly against my innards!
Good luck and much sympathy.
a combo of prune juice and ginger ale did it for me post-baby.
you poor thing!
hahah, when I saw the tweet and it was a RT on you, I HAD to come over cuz I knew it would be funny. Seriously, go get a box of Quaker Oatmeal Squares and eat a bowl of cereal. And then, chase it with a nonfat2pumppeppermintmocha. Doctor's orders. You WILL be healed.
The pain meds are a HUGE part of it. There is something called a Fleet glycerin suppositories, it's like this liquid you squirt up your bum. That will get you clean out...um immediately, like pronto. Good luck.
ANd I can't wait to read about the explosion in your toilet! Take pictures! bwhahahah!
Uh-oh... would you like me to go buy an enema for you? Is that word? I think so... eek... sorry... feel um, better soon!
Coffee, lots and lots of coffee!
Shauna! after I had my appendix removed this happened to me! No one warned me, and after I got out of surgery I ate 2 days of food within 5 hours... I was about 110 pounds before surgery, tiney little thing... then I looked like an ethiopian child, or some pregnant woman.... and it was aweful... I finally gave myself and enima to get the ball rolling... it will get better! I LOVE YOU!
this is something you need to read two hours after a meal and two hours before the next one.
Hope you are now fully poop free
umm.. Colon cleansing enema perhaps? Call the nurse and tell her you want your colon washed out. You will feel much better afterward.
Hope you feel better soon. And yes, let's just skip prison, shall we?
I had the same problem-then my husband brought home greasy bacon and a waffle from the local Waffle House-it did the trick. I guess everything just slid right out! Good luck!
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Coffee and Fiber One.
All I can think is COFFEE. And lots of it.
Always does the trick...
I wish you much luck and release as soon as possible.
My mom says to down a couple tablespoon of Mineral Oil. *shrug*
I'm so sorry about your situation!
In other poop-related news, I saw an infomercial about a colon cleanse that looked promising. Maybe you should try one of those after.
You're getting so much advice..I'll just add a hug. I feel for you! So sorry you're having to go through this!
You poor thing! I can completely sympathize. For rlz. I have two words for you: Fleet Enema. The best $2 you will ever spend.
Hope you get some relief ASAP!
I feel your pain.
The same thing happened to me after my gall bladder removal.
What worked for me was the metamucil powder. It worked (kinda).
Good luck!
Have no suggestion for pooping, but can tell you that morphine = no pooping.
Coffee and an Apple - works every time.
This sounds horrible. I'm afraid. Very afraid.
Everybody knows hot chicks don't poop. duh.
srry hon! Phillips Milk of magnesia! thats the worst feeling in the world there is!
This is the first time I've ever read your blog...I realize you're probably in agony and I really do sympathize with you...but I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! Good luck!
I know you will hate me for his but .... If all else has failed? Smoke a cigarette. Just a puff or five. It will turn your bowels to full on. Sorry if you hate me now but the first "sick" from smoking is nausea followed by the urge to go poop.
Hey watch out, When I was home recuperating from my hysterectomy I ended up in the Army. It's those nice drugs they send you home with. My mind was floating around in a pleasant fog while I was laying in bed and reading the mail. The Army Nursing Chorps sent me this neat letter stating fill this out and we'll send you info on the Army Nursing Corps and a free pen on a rope. Hey I thought I neeeed a pen on a rope so I sent it off. Long story short six months laiter there I was turning 35 in boot camp with a pen on a rope and no womb.After 8 years I decided I'd rather be constipated:)
you already know my thoughts on this..sadly I forced you to listen to all my issues.
I hope there's poop for you soon, lady!
Oh man that really sucks and I know it is SO painful. There is no way we would expect you to be able tothink of anything else. Hope it all passes soon!
I've already left my advice (or non-advice) above but I just wanted to pop in today to tell you again how much I love your blog. There’s an award waiting for you at mine!
oooh....one of my dearest friends has a constipation problem. I feel for you! It sucks! Don't let the doctors ignore you!
GAH...have you gone yet? Do you have Krystals in Texas? Try a greasy gut bomb burger.
OK I'm gonna go obsess about you obsessing about not pooping now.
You're welcome.
p.s. here's to a speedy recovery!
Oh Shauna! What next for you??
Remember what you always say. "The universe hates me!" I think that I will make that my Facebook thought of the day for tomorrow!!
Hope you go SOON!:)
Had the same issue post c-section number 2. And NOTHING worked for 5 days. And then when I finally pooped, it was like giving birth to another 8 pounder from my butt. Only I couldn't push without agony and was terrified I'd tear open all the stitches. Surgery sucks. Hang in there!
Wow. 40 people have commented on your poop (or lack of) situation. I'm genuinely impressed, and also deeply, deeply disturbed.
Prune juice. It. Is. Nast. But it totally works. I hope everything comes out alright in the end. Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk...
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